The house is gone. The block is cleared and leveled. I packed up my meager belongings and moved, on trust, to a house I had not seen physically. It turned out to be somewhere I couldn't live, couldn't even stay while I found my way again. Another lesson to be learned and I'm so sick of lessons. It was partially my fault, I should have checked to see if the place offered was suitable and I didn't. I put my trust in someone and it all fell apart, again. Well, sort of LOL
So, what do I do about trusting people ever again? I really don't know - nothing in my experience has ever vindicated the trust of another person to do right by me. I just seem to get used and abused and walked all over. Perhaps I should completely withdraw from the world. Close my doors, shut myself away. After all, not trusting people means I won't get hurt again. Not trusting people means that I don't have to open myself to the pain of being treated badly. Not trusting people means that I won't get used again.
But not trusting also means that I will encase myself in a shell of hurt and loss and anger and I know that particular path leads to sickness. Because it's a path I have walked most of my life. I really don't want to walk that path again because it destroys more than just trust, it destroys the spirit. So I need to learn boundaries again. I need to re-learn what is and isn't acceptable in my new life. I need to learn to use due diligence. I need to learn to ask other people to help me, when I can't do the task myself alone. And I need to accept that sometimes the path you thought you had completely planned, leads you in a different, better direction. It's all about trusting in the process and the flow of life, rolling with the punches and realising that clouds sometimes really do have silver linings...
I'm currently homeless for the third time in my life, but I'm fortunate in my homelessness this time. I get to stay with my sister and her family and I feel surrounded by support and care. I haven't had that for three long, lonely, harsh months and it feels good. Really good. I've missed feeling like this. I get little people hugs, too! OMG there is NOTHING like little people hugs! I've been able to explore my surroundings while safe and secure. Tigger is safe and secure. We lack for nothing (except Tigs needs a little more space he tells me LOL).
And funnily enough, if the first house had worked out, I wouldn't be here, nurtured and loved. I am so grateful that first house did not work out. I was pushed into a position of having to make a choice and a decision based from sheer need and so I didn't fall prey to the demons that live in my head and question my every move. I didn't have time to prevaricate or procrastinate. I had to find a new forever home for me and Tigs and go for it. With all my heart and being. And the support of my family around me bolstered my spirits and helped me make that decision calmly and clearly.
It's so strange how life can change from one minute to the next, just when you think you have it all worked out.
It's almost the end of September. My birth month starts on Thursday and with it, a whole new chapter in my lifes story.