I agonised over writing this blog. I've been putting it off for a long time, but this clear cold morning I decided to throttle my fear and just do it anyway. Thank you Susan Jeffers.
I have 150 decks remaining of my Oracle Cards. 150 out of 500. Doesn't sound like many, does it? But I launched the deck over two years ago and I pinned my financial and business hopes on it being a small success and selling out in the first year. That didn't happen. It didn't sell out in the second year, either and I closed my business because it simply wasn't viable anymore. And now, halfway through the third year, my dream has died and I am left feeling a little hurt and lost.
I have watched others launch their decks - some good, some abysmal - but all performed better than mine. Some had major publishing houses behind them, others had the power of their own convictions plus huge support. I had me and a few friends and a few fans behind me. And I am so grateful to the 350 people who have bought the deck over the years - I feel connected to them in such a beautiful way.
But this was meant to be more than just an exercise in connecting with beautiful people. This was about my financial future ... and my future as an artist. It was about me believing I was good enough.
I had hoped that the deck would sell well enough to be able to generate enough extra income each week for me to do better than just survive. I had hoped that I would sell two or (gasp) three decks per week and that would be the turning point for me. I envisaged and planned for a future based around selling the two to three decks per week, prints of my art and running small classes. It hasn't happened. Nothing worked out the way I dreamed, envisaged, planned, attempted to create - whatever the Law of Attraction wanted, I gave it. But it didn't end up happening anything like that. Just like the rest of my life.
I'm not whingeing (oh well ok, just a little) but I had hoped that the deck would perform better than it has. I did the markets. I did everything I could physically and mentally do. I tried my best. But my best just wasn't good enough. I'm not capable of promoting myself. I just can't do it. I hassled my friends for a year to help spread the word and they did - but there is a limit to how many times you can ask people to help you. And all the while I was trying to cross promote as much as I could. It just wasn't enough.
This leads me to a place where although I love to create mandalas, although I recognise the healing power and the joy in them, I wonder what is the point. What is the point of creating art that no-one will see? What is the point in selling off my art for such cheap prices that it cheapens me? What is the point in doing this at all?
You may argue that the point is the creation itself. Well, that doesn't pay the bills. It doesn't change my ailing health (which, if I could've afforded to treat would've been addressed months, if not years ago). Painting doesn't do anything for me except remind me that I'm pretty much useless. My photography (photo art for wont of a better term) doesn't generate extra income. I love it, but it's not achieving anything. My poetry. My stories. My drawings and fine art. All these things I can do and yet none of them work for me in a way that will support me while I create. So it has to be my fault. I'm just not good enough.
I could give up completely. I have thought about that a lot lately. But I've been here before and I know that I'll just keep putting one foot in front of the other until I reach the other side of that big dark pit. I could change my belief about myself but I tried that a few times and it didn't work. Nothing changed. Not my health, not my circumstances, not me. And you know what really sucks? Everytime I try to change my core beliefs, every time I try to be upbeat and positive; every time I try to really embrace the loving flow of the universal energies with passion and conviction, I get shit back. Dire, horrible, heart breaking, life changing shit.
I'm so so tired of it all. When things start to go well I now wait for the axe to fall. Because in my experience it does, with a vengeance. As if life is saying - HAHAH go ahead and enjoy this little moment because I'm going to give you more shit that you can deal with in the next! And it does. But I deal with it and keep going. Each time it happens it destroys a little more of me. One day there'll be nothing left and that day is coming.
I feel like I'm disappearing. I know the world sees me that way too. An overweight, middle aged, disabled single woman. I have no place. I know I'm not alone in this. I'm surrounded by invisible people who are struggling like me. I know I'm not the only one experiencing these thoughts, these sadnesses.
I just wish that the belief and intent I had invested in the card deck had paid off. I just wish that the belief and intent I invested in mySELF had paid off. I just wish that, for once, my dream had become a happy reality. It didn't. Time to move on.
Such is life.