Everything is doing my head in this morning.
I'm so stressed, so wired.
I'm blaming it on the moon, the eclipse, the weather.
But really, I'm afraid.
I had about 5 hours of very rough sleep. Still stressed and highly anxious. Feel sick with worry... over nothing.
I decided to accept the quote to do the bathroom because I'm trying to think positively rather than doom and gloom clusterfuck scenarios...
When I went to bed early this morning after being so wired I couldn't sleep, I wrote down in my journal that I'm the best off I have ever been in my life. Despite the fire. In fact, the fire clarified everything for me.
I know what it is to lose everything. I've lost everything physical twice but I'm still here. I've been down the rabbit hole mentally for most of my life... until now. Now I see with such clarity.
I see that I have everything I want and almost everything I need. I need to be hugged more often, I really do. But that's not possible right now - it's out of my control. In fact, in reality, I'm not really in control of anything - it's all an illusion that can be stripped away in a heart beat. Or a breath. Or the flames of a fire...
Knowing this, KNOWING this, why am I so afraid? Why am I so afraid of making the wrong decisions, when in reality, there are no wrong decisions? Just learning opportunities.
We say we fuck up, but we don't, really. We just learn. Learn not to do some stuff ever again :laughs:
So here I am.
In my own home, again.
I have beautiful things again.
I'm relatively healthy.
So why am I still so afraid?
Is it all about money? I have been so poor all my life and now I'm afraid that if I spend the small amount I have left I will be facing the same issues as I did back when I was poor.
Again, it's an illusion. I'm NOT poor. Those are old memories. I'm NOT that person anymore. I will never be her again. I'm blessed with an abundance of riches that have exceeded my imaginations. And I'm wise and canny with money. I'm good at making it work for me. I'm good at making it come in as well as go out.
Why then am I still so afraid?
Is it because I'm alone? I don't fear being alone. I just miss the memory of a loving partner - but that too, is a deep seated illusion. I miss the IDEA of a loving partner - but in reality, I NEVER had a loving partner! I had the good and the bad and the very, very ugly. The only man who was ever really kind and sweet was my first husband but we were both still naive children. My late husband was an absolute monster, as well as being the most amazing and loving and generous man I have ever known. The grief with the love. The pain with the happiness. But I don't miss the relationship we had, I miss the IDEA of the perfect relationship. I watch other people and I see the tensions between men and women - I see the inequality played out, I see blame and nastiness and control and the big let down after the first flush of romance blooms and dies. And never again do I want to be someones property, someones pawn, someones bitch.
Really, all I want is simply to be loved for who I am. That's it. That's all I want.
And I want someone to affirm that my decisions are good ones, because that then means I have someone in my corner helping me be strong and grounded. But why do I need 'someone'? I have myself...
I guess that's why I'm so afraid.
Because I don't really trust or love myself.
I need to be the one standing in my 'corner'. I need to be the one loving myself.
And the irony is that I get it. I totally get it all.
But I can't stop being afraid.
So I did a google search because google is my friend and teacher LOL and lo and behold I found what I needed to hear today:
So off I go again. Seeking to detach. Letting go of ego. Learning to trust.
This breath, this minute... THIS is my life.