I have been so focussed on leaving my problems that I didn't realise until I got home that leaving stuff behind never works. It's either all there when you get back, or it follows you.
You can hide in a bottle or other mind numbing addiction. You can get busy, so busy... You can take on everyone else's issues. You can always run away again. But until you choose to STOP and look at what it is you are avoiding, then it will always be there. Think elephant in living room.
So when I got back from my great journey, it was with a sinking heart that I realised that the burdens I had left behind were still there and I still had to deal with them. So I sunk into a deep funk. I was confused and depressed. Demoralised and disappointed. Mostly in myself. But depression has a way of turning everything into a personal battle, so I did what I always do with my depression and I gave it a full day to angst it all out. I rolled with it. Played with it. Gave it full reign.
This morning, when I woke, it was with a lighter and happier heart. Not because I knew that the problems were solved with a nights sleep. I knew that I'd have to go through some hard stuff, coming up really soon. But I also knew that my little hope horse had come prancing back into my life.
So I went for a walk because that's also my way of thinking and saying thank you. Being so grateful for all the wonderful opportunities I DO have is a great way to start the day. And my first thought this morning was that I have come back from my great journey a stronger and wiser woman. I stand in my power openly and honestly. And while the fear still forms a great part of my life, I know that it will not kill me and in fact, I can defeat it.
So I walked.
And as I walked I started to think clearly.
I have been focussed on LEAVING this situation, to get away from it. I have been so focussed on leaving as being the ONLY solution to the dilemma of housing unaffordability. I have been completely focussed on what I DON'T have in my life - money, my own home, a loving supportive relationship. I have been totally focussed on fear - fear of being alone. Fear of being homeless, fear of leaving...
So I thought, WHAT IF? What if I asked myself the RIGHT questions?
And I did.
I asked myself: "DO I REALLY WANT TO LEAVE HERE?"
And the answer was an earth shattering "NO!"
That stopped me in my tracks.
So I asked myself the next question: "What is it I have to do to STAY here?"
And I realised that I have to let go of my need to buy a house right now because with all the changes I am about to implement, now is not the right time and in doing so I also have to let go my fear of eviction - because I will ALWAYS be able to find somewhere perfect to live! I need to let go of my never having my own home because in a couple of years time I will be able to afford to live where I choose, not where I have to...
I need to focus on my art, my card deck, my healing and all the little ways I can build my healing practises so that more people can benefit and start their own healing!
I need to motivate the kids to get their lives sorted and move out into their own journey so that I can have my own space.
And I need to let go of all the relationships that make me unhappy and keep me mired in fear, pain, loss and grief.
I can do this. If I can get on a plane carrying all the fear I did; if I can travel half way round the world and step so far out of my comfort zone and KNOW that I was OK, that it was only fear, then I can do this for myself.
I can fly. I've proved it. Now I want to show others they can too.
Love and Blessings on this cold bright Melbourne winters morning <3