Apparently Spring happened.
Don't ask me - I missed it.
I didn't get to see my new star magnolia blossom for the first time, nor did I get that first exciting and addictive whiff of brown boronia. I didn't get to see the daffodils push their golden heads through the soil in the pots I set out on the front verandah, nor pick the beautiful lily of the valley I planted late last autumn.
I did get to wade through piles of blackened shit - all that was left of my life.
Still, Spring arrived and with it, a faint sense of hope. A blossoming of my soul. A release.
I've let go a lot of things in the past week. Things that have hurt me for a long time, emotional things. Things I have no use for any more, physical things. I've let go expectations, hopes, dreams and beliefs. I've let go wanting to please everyone all the time - life's too short, I don't give a fuck what anyone thinks of me anymore - it's what I think of me that matters now.
I've let go so many things, including people. People who take without giving in return.
I said goodbye to Stath, because after all, when someone refuses to 'friend' you on Facebook after a seven year intimate relationship, you know they're not really your friend at all. Especially when they pretend they don't know how to add you as a friend but they've added their ex from way back. I wish him all the best in what's left of his life but I'm sure he'll get a lot of mileage out of telling people I abandoned him while he is fighting lung cancer, despite my countless offers to support him throughout his journey. He was never there for me in any way that ever mattered, through his own choice, so how can I abandon someone I was never really with? That was a bitter lesson, but I'm glad it's been learned. Never again do I have to befriend people who just take without giving in return. I'm worth so much more. Still, I thank him for all the lessons.
All those people who briefly dipped their toe in the water of my life and decided the current was too strong - goodbye. All those people who don't share my beliefs, my morals or my values - enjoy your life without me in it, I don't need your negativity clouding my horizons. All those people who don't and can't love me for WHO I am, goodbye.
It's spring cleaning time.
I have an opportunity now, to start again. To start over, to make of my life EVERYTHING I have ever wanted it to be! How wonderful is that? Paradoxically, how blessed am I?
I will take the pile of charred and burned remains of my old life and I will be reborn. The way I choose. The way I want to be. The way I really am. No holds, no bars, no reservations, no limits.
No more will I be bound by others opinions or beliefs of who and what I should be. No more will I be constrained by judgmental and narrow views. No more will I be limited by anything or anyone.
Especially by my self.
I have survived two house fires and countless other horrors. This is the last part of my life journey and it will be the best.
I will not live in fear anymore.
I will not live in suffering anymore.
I will not live cowering under someone elses shadow anymore.
I will not live in sadness and pain anymore.
I will live.
I will live well.
I will live with every fibre of my being, for as long as breath fills my lungs, and I will go wherever that journey takes me - even if it takes me back into the dark - because I KNOW how bright the light is when defined by the shadow. I will experience my human-ness. I will let go my emotions. I will embrace my heart and soul with passion and joy.
I am who I am.
Some things I can't change. Some things I can.
And that time to change is right now.
Onwards and upwards, my dear friends - much love to you all on your journey