I tried. I really tried.
Despite all my misgivings. Despite thinking I was not worthy.
Despite everything, I hounded my friends. I hassled acquaintances. I begged people to share my Go Fund Me campaign. I really pushed. And I'll tell you the truth - I HATE asking people for help. I hate asking for any favour for me. I don't think I'm worth it.
Despite being asked countless times, "What do you need?", now, when I really need it, almost all those offers of support and help have vanished.
Surprisingly, very few people of all the people I know, all the connections I thought I had, helped me when I asked. Or begged, or pleaded. It all fell on selectively deaf ears. I thought I was worth a little more than that.
I know people with massive Facebook and Twitter followers. I know people who have many contacts in the business and corporate worlds. I know quite a few wealthy people. Very few of them helped. Most of them quickly shut me out and ignored my pleas.
I was honoured and deeply touched that many of my friends gave me what I needed, without question, without thought of what they'd get in return. The people who helped were mostly my true friends and other compassionate individuals seeing my plight and generously giving of themselves or monetarily. I want to thank from my heart, each and every person who contributed above and beyond to the campaign and also to me, personally. Those who contributed money and best wishes. Those of you who went beyond that and kept in touch, propped me up when I crashed, supported me in so many ways, I am so grateful you are my friends. There was no proving of worth, no thought of personal gain - for any of you. You did what I would do for you - help and keep helping. I am so blessed in the beautiful friends I have - so blessed. And so grateful to know that the spirit of compassion and helping others is still well and truly alive.
I know there are so many people in the world struggling. I know there are people who deserve far more than I do. I know there are kids being bought and sold and trafficked and abused. I know there are horrific abuses of human rights all over the world. I know animals are being tortured and maimed and killed every day. I know this. I wish I could do more for these causes. I really do. I intend to when I get back on my feet.
But I'm suffering, too. And right now, for once, can't I be a little selfish? Can't I go one day without someone reminding me of all the suffering in the world and telling me to get my shit together and look on the bright side? Can't I go just one day without someone rudely questioning why I'm fundraising and what use would a caravan be? Can't I go just one fucking day without someone reminding me of how lucky I am?
Don't you think I KNOW that? Know it with all my heart? Don't you think I'm grateful for all that I have, knowing all too well what it's like to have nothing? I don't need reminding. I don't need rebuke.
I need support.
Is that so difficult to do?
I keep thinking, over and over, that I deserve what's happened to me. That I deserve to be abandoned, unloved, unwanted. That I'm so damned fucked up, unloveable, unworthy and un-deserving of all and any help because I am a truly worthless human being. I've had so many people tell me this all my life. And it's easy to repeat. Really, really easy to let that voice in my head and let it take over again like it did for most of my life. It's so easy to let people bully me. To let them abuse me. Because if I believe I'm worthless, nothing they say to me is a surprise or a lie - it's all truth.
A tiny part of me still believes those words. Even after all these years. Even after all the people who love me tell me I'm loved, wanted and needed. Most of me has healed enough to know those old beliefs are not true but a part of the broken person I once was. And I healed, in part, because of the support and love from many beautiful souls all around this planet.
So I'll just let it go. Let the campaign go. Let the need for support go. Let everything go.
Because, I tried. I really, really tried.
And to me, that's all that counts.
That and love. Because ultimately, love is ALL there is.