One month since the fire gutted my home and me.
One month of pain and grief and loss and fear and anger.
The anger is still with me and I am purging it gently.
I'm sad today.
Sad because in the first week after the fire, offers of help and assistance poured in. But I needed nothing then except emotional support. At that stage there was nothing anyone could do other than comfort me. I still need emotional support and now I'm starting to need other support as well, even though my hands are still tied by the insurance company and my future is still a blank void in which I can make no plans yet.
But the offers of help and assistance have all but dried up. My GFM campaign has ground to a halt. There's only so much you can ask of the same people over and over again. And I really don't want to hassle my friends all the time.
People have gone back to their lives and forgotten about me. Forgotten that a month ago I lost thirty years of mine.
And I get that, I really do. I understand completely.
And I'm sure that a lot of people mean well at first but then when it comes to the crunch fade back into the woodwork.
And that's OK, too. You do what you can. I get that.
But I'm still here in this nightmare I call living. I haven't forgotten. I haven't gone back to my old life. I haven't stepped away from anything because I can't. I'm still sorting through the ruins, still marking time, still waiting. Everything, for me, is on hold.
I have lots of acquaintances who know lots of people. Most of those people can afford a cup of coffee. If 500 people donated $5 to my campaign, I'd be halfway to my goal. 500 people. That's not many when you think of the population of Australia alone - 24 MILLION. 24 million people. Just imagine - if each person donated $1 - how much would that be? Even if half of the population of Australia donated 20 cents each that would be 12 million x .20........... More than enough to buy a caravan LOL.
I'm not asking for much. If you can't donate money, then I get that too. Completely and utterly get that. But there are other ways you can help me. Sharing my campaign would help. I know some of you do that frequently and I thank you with all my heart. But I need more people to help me share it.
Few people contact me anymore. Few friends talk to me on Facebook. Comments on my wall are few and far between. And yes I know I've not wanted to talk to people much but that's my way of dealing with absolute trauma and grief. It doesn't take much to ask someone how they are travelling. But I guess most people really don't want to hear the answer to that. It's as though I should have 'gotten better' by now. I should be 'over it'. I should be 'strong'. Well I'm fucking not. And I don't see this as an 'opportunity' or a 'fresh start' or a 'new beginning'... I just lost EVERYTHING that made me who I am today and I am STILL GRIEVING! I still need emotional support. I need hugs. I need people to tell me they love me. I need people to remind me that I exist.
Because right now I'm not sure I do.