The Universe is throwing some almighty big shit at me right now and at times I feel like I'm going under. But I've been here before, too many times to count and I KNOW that I will get through this, I know it. Not the same person as I was, but I can deal with this stuff, deal with the pain and the heartache and the tragedies that happen.
Because this is living.
I found myself experiencing major anxiety for the past few days. It continued to escalate and I was getting more and more agitated and upset. Little things kept setting me off and I would go ballistic and panic.
I just kept panicking.
Until I sat down with myself last night and kindly and gently asked my heart and soul WTF was going on?
And my heart poured it all out - the fear, the pain, the grief...
Ah. The grief. I'm awash in it and it triggered all the fear. All the abandonment issues. All the pain of losing people you love.
So I told myself that I wasn't being abandoned. Nor was I abandoning people. I told myself that it is the way it is. Nobody expects me to save them and I no longer need saving. I did that all by myself. I reminded myself that I'm an elder now and I can cope. All that past stuff is behind me - it's only memories coming back to haunt me - memories which have been distorted and made unreal by the passing of time and the changes in me.
And I told myself that it's ok to grieve. OK to let go. OK to feel.
I don't have to eat the feelings down. I don't have to pretend like everythings ok. I don't have to NOT feel.
And I know that I am not letting anyone down, nor is anyone letting me down. We are all doing the best we can in impossibly tragic circumstances.
And so I paint.
Although I am again realising that I don't charge what I'm worth for my artwork - but that's a whole other blog!
Love & Blessings