Well somewhere in between cleaning the oven and paying the bills and in line with this mornings Reading from my card deck, I had an epiphany. Not a little tame epiphany either. Rather it was a roaring great, in your face, kick up the arse, unblinding epiphany...
Because it made me see. See why I am so afraid of getting on that plane and travelling half way round the world to see people I've met and some I haven't and visit places I've only read or dreamed about.
Why I'm so afraid to leave my home somedays.
Why I'm so sick with fear and anxiety and deeply miserable at knowing that I will have to find somewhere else to live and if I want to buy my own home it means moving far away from family, friends and my life, here.
Finally I understand WHY.
Because I have made this house, this home, MY home. For the first time in my entire life (and this is NO exaggeration, believe me), I have had somewhere safe. Somewhere relatively stable and secure. Somewhere I finally relaxed and put my roots down and found 'home'. I have never known what it is like to have a home. A real home. One that I can feel safe and secure in. I have had the ILLUSION of home, but never ever have I known it until now.
That was my realisation and my epiphany today. That in finding 'home' I am now in the process of losing it.
So with this realisation comes work. Hard work. I'm not sure that I want to start over again, find another place and spend another ten years making a new 'home'. But I know that I have a limited time left here - it's up to me to make the best of that and to work out what to do next.
Sigh. Epiphanies can be so very painful at times, even while they unlock the doors of my mind to reveal the truth within...
Love and Blessings