I had a long dark night of the soul, last night. I sat and waited for dawn to shed light into my heart, not knowing if it would, not knowing if I could let it in. I'm so, so tired. I'm worn out, utterly exhausted on every level but knowing there is still more to come and wondering how I am going to get through this pain.
I seem to have lived all my life in grief and loss. And I'm tired of it. Tired of always hurting. Tired of getting my hopes up, starting to be happy, starting to finally live, only to be crushed, again. I'm just so tired.
I'm hoping that by this time next week, I'll finally be able to look past what I've lost, to an uncertain future. I'm hoping that I'll finally be able to tell people what I really need, instead of saying I don't know, I can't know yet, nothings settled, everything is in limbo. I'm hoping that there will be a glimmer of light in the darkness.
Meanwhile, I'll grieve. In my own way and my own time.