It's been so long and yet no time at all. I'm trying to comprehend just how time can flow so fast and yet go so slowly. Perhaps I'm dead. Perhaps this is the afterlife. Perhaps I'm going totally fucking crazy.
I'm numb. I've been numb for a few days. I guess I burned all the anger out in the past few weeks, although it feels like moments. I used that anger, used it to get things done, used the energy and strength it gave me to get through what needed to be got through. I'm paying for it now. The fibromyalgia is in full flare and I'm hurting on so many levels, in so many ways, it's unbelievable. I know pain. I know it well. I live with it 24/7. But this? This pain is so much worse than anything I've experienced to date and it's not on the physical level as much as it is on the emotional and spiritual level. Gutted is such a fine word.
It's been six weeks.
Nothing has changed.
I'm still waiting on the insurance company. People still keep asking me how I am and what they can do for me and then walking away without listening or doing anything. Most people, that is. I'm still heart gladdened every day by those who just DO. They listen. They give me what I need. Then they walk away making sure I know that they're only a phone call or text or email away.
I've really discovered what friendship is all about. It's been a horrible six week lesson. I've learned that the people I want in my life are those who, knowing I CANNOT give back right now, still give. Without asking for anything in return. Without making it all about them. Without judgement or censure. Knowing that I can't reciprocate right now. They just keep giving. That's what I call love. That's what I call support. And I'm so grateful I have so many of them in my life right now. I'm still falling and they're still catching me. I am so blessed.
And those who don't or won't or can't, for whatever reason, support me in this part of my journey? I forgive you. And I let you go. Thank you.
It's been six weeks. My world is contracting, thus.